Hi everyone,

You may remember me from about 6 weeks ago; I posted to discuss an experience (and additional experiences) I had with another woman and my struggle to understand what that meant about my sexuality, particularly given that I had been with men from the beginning. I got a lot of great advice, so, I'm back. :)

I'm well aware that sexuality has the potential to be a very fluid thing; that I don't need to stress myself out trying to find the appropriate label for myself. I'm "going with the flow," figuring out how I feel, and doing my best not to concentrate on the gay/bi/curious/straight thing. I'm just feelin' what I feel when I feel it (name that show!). I fail at this often.

A lot of the thoughts I've been having involve the debate of love vs. sex in the context of sexuality, and what one means versus the other. To be more specific: I have had sex with men and enjoyed it, been turned on. I could do it again and enjoy it just as much. I have had emotional reactions to men, felt attachment to them. Under that definition, you could say I'm at least half straight, right? The problem with this rationale is that I have never loved a man, or felt truly known/understood by one. This is with 10+ years of relationship experience under my belt (albeit a lot of it in my teenage years). I have broken up with plenty of guys and felt very little loss or pain, which I attributed to a lack of love and a lack of genuine connection; to them not being "the one" (gag). I am questioning this now.
With women I feel turned on, I enjoy sex, giving and receiving... and I feel connected. I feel attachment. I feel understood. I feel love and friendship and sex in one. Comfortable. Known. Natural.

With that being said... how does one then define their sexuality? By who they can sleep with and enjoy it, who can touch them correctly, or by who they can love? One, but not the other? Can one comfortably define themselves as a a gay woman if they still feel sexual desire for men (although a lot less)? Can one comfortably define themselves as a bisexual woman if they feel no real connection to men?

I would really appreciate thoughts on this.

Also, related but unrelated newbie question: having established that I find women attractive, it is "normal" to have that not catch up as quickly in every day life? For example, I used to go about my day and if I saw a good looking guy, I'd sort of check him out in my head. With women I never did, and sometimes I do now, though not a lot. It's like I'm having to train my brain to start noticing women regularly. I don't know whether to attribute this to having been raised in a heteronormative society as a "straight girl" or to an actual lack of interest in eyeing women. Or if this is common given that many women are not gay/interested. Like a "don't bother" mentality.

Um. Can you tell I'm a little confused?

I know this post comes off sort of "tell me what I am"-ish, but I promise it is not. I'm aware that it's not that easy. I just want to know whether anyone else has had a similar process, and get input on where love falls in the defining of sexuality for them - if it does at all.

Thanks!