You've already established that you can't be the type of woman you need to be to continue the relationship. You are not the right person for him, he is not the right person for you.

You can love someone dearly and not want to lose them out of your life, but I'm afraid that you can't always have your cake and eat it too. You won't be happy, he won't be happy, and heaven forbid you have children out of that union because it will just tie you together in all sorts of complicated ways for the rest of your life.

You're not happy so be brave and get yourself out. Sure, it's going to hurt for a while. But I don't think you'll regret it in the long run. If you wanted to be with him you wouldn't be posing this question here.

Thank you for your reply.

I know, it's just going to be really hard to actually end things. I guess some little part of me wants to stay with him so that I can have children easily etc and be considered "normal" to my family. (I never even came out when I was sure I was gay).

I love him and he deserves better. I can't be selfish anymore.

I personally would leave, although it would be hard to do, and hard and hurtful on both ends. but it is what it is. if u were to get married have children with a man, and not be happy. who's happiness are you putting first? and why doesn't your own happiness matter more.

Thanks for responding. It's going to be really hard and horrible. I just need to figure out what I'm going to do.

It sounds like you already know the answer to this? Obviously, if you're this doubtful before committing to marriage or kids, it's far better to get out now. Even if this weren't a crisis wrt your evolving sexuality, it sounds like you just aren't romantically there for him anymore.

Thanks for your response. You are completely correct.

If this is how you're feeling more times than not, you have to let him go. It's never easy, but if you love him, set him free.

Okay :/ You're right.

If nothing else, GET THIS BOOK
http://www.amazon.com/Dear-John-Love-Jane-Leaving/dp/1580053394/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1361400323&sr=8-1&keywords=dear+john%2C+I+love+jane
and read it. So you know you're not alone, and that these things DO HAPPEN and that there are ways for it to work out.

My best to you... I was married for 17 years... Don't do what I did.

Thank you <3

Leave. You're not happy, and he's not worth if he's happy in a relationship this broken.

He doesn't want to break up, you don't want to break up... have you thought about maybe pursuing a more open relationship? One where you work together to set parameters to let you both have what you need from your relationship?

Also, before I would make any hasty decisions I would take a vacation, even if it's just a staycation, just the two of you. The kind of stress you're describing could lead to something like this all by itself even without the sexual bias question. So get some time alone, get away from the stress and see if things clear up.

If I left my wife every time we had hit a spot where our daily stress had gotten us to the point where we weren't intimate and kept getting into fights... well, we certainly wouldn't have made it to year 13. And yes, I do understand that this has been going no for a while, we've been known to hit these spots and stay there for a couple of months, then once we cleared up the stress that was straining the relationship we fell in love all over again.

Yes, i've been saying to him that we need a weekend together or something away from the stress. I don't know that he would want an open relationship, but I have a horrible feeling that he would do anything to make me stay with him even if it made him unhappy.

Maybe a weekend together and then see if things are still the same.

Thanks for your response.

I would communicate my feelings and let the other person decide what is best for them. Don't assume you're doing him a favor by letting him go. Ultimately I think openness and honesty in communication is key.

Thank you. You're totally correct.

Leave.

It doesn't matter if he prefers breaking up or not, if what you say is accurate you will a.) almost inevitably hurt him a thousand times more if you stay and get in deeper b.) be miserable yourself. You can't have a happy relationship where one member is unhappy. If you believe he deserves happiness, do him a favor and go. I can't speak for him on this particular matter (obviously not knowing him) but I would just about die if I were trapped in a passionless, sexless relationship, especially if my partner were off dreaming about men (in my case, women in yours) while not having sex with me.

I disagree with some of the posters here. I believe an open relationship is a really bad idea in this case. Open relationships are incredibly difficult and don't work for most people - and that's even when you have a couple that starting out, are in to each other and are able to be extremely open and honest with each other. In your case, it's a recipe for disaster. What's going to happen when you meet a woman who fulfills both your sexual and emotional needs? How will he feel then?

Seriously, sorry to be blunt, but you need to bail for both your sakes.

Thanks for the response.

I feel so guilty for thinking about women all of the time. Someone attractive started at my work and I started wondering if she was into girls. And I shouldn't be thinking that, I should be happy but I'm not. I need to get some guts and talk to him!

What if she meets the perfect woman, and still doesn't want to leave him?
Nothing to stop her from having both, if they can make it work... and it can be done, I should know. I've done it.

Just because our culture insists things should be done one way does not mean that's what's best for everyone. Now, I'm not saying that just because it worked for me - it will work for everyone, but, I don't think there's any harm in at least talking about it, instead of jumping right to the. "It's hard, let's quit" routine that has gotten our divorce rate where it is today either. It's a relationship, of course it's hard. They always are, but if it's a good one and you nurture it through the hard times you get something a hundred times deeper and more powerful then moving on to the next target because it got hard would have done.

I was in your situation not that long ago. I was in a relationship with a guy for almost 4 years, lived with him, and we were very serious. But... I just couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to be with a woman. Deep down, I knew I was gay. It didn't mean I wasn't in love with him -- but you can be in love with someone and still not be able to be in a relationship with them, as hard as that is. I even came to this community and asked for advice. It was one of the hardest things I dealt with, but we did break-up. I eventually moved out.

I'm now in an amazing relationship with an amazing girl that I love. Me and my ex are still friends.

Ultimately, it's going to be hard. Feelings will be hurt, including yours, I'm sure. But in the end, time heals things. And you'll find yourself.

The first step is always the hardest. But the truer you are to yourself, the happier a life you will live.

Thank you.

I'm happy to hear that things worked out well for you <3

I think I even remember a post like that, but it was quite a while ago!

Have you talked with him about how you are feeling? You need to tell him exactly what you've said here and be honest with him about what you want.

I've touched on it about the arguments etc but I have mentioned having feelings for other women. I will talk to him... just need a strong drink first maybe.

Thanks for the advice everyone. It's a great help. Basically confirming what I know I have to do. I need to really think about this and be honest with him. It's going to be so hard though. He knows that I have been with girls in the past... but I don't know how honest I can be about my feelings.

We're both only in our early 20's so I realise it is better to end it now before things get even more complicated. If we do end things then I really hope we can remain friends.

If you do decide to break it off, and he really is as bad off as you say, then for the love of god don't try to be friends right away. Walk away, make a clean break of it for about six months then come back and talk to him. If you try to stay in his life (again assuming he is as bad off as you say) then he's just going to spin fantasies about getting you back, and not let go. Or at leas that's the way it was for me. I couldn't move on because she was right there. The kindest thing she did for me was make that clean break until I was strong enough to move on.

It definitely sounds to me like you know what you want, but want "permission", so to speak, to do it. You don't need his go-ahead to break up; if you aren't happy, then you aren't happy. It also sounds to me like you are sticking with the relationship out of obligation, and that's not good. That doesn't make anyone happy.

From experience, it is better to end things sooner rather than later. Dragging it out only makes it more painful.